My birthday...

So this year i turned 25... I can't believe how fast time goes by.. and to be honest... I wasn't happy about it.. and it's kinda bumming me out.. I mean... what have I really done with my life? not much.. last year I was so happy about it.. this year I can't shake the feeling that the rest of my life is going to be very ho hum I feel like the older I get the more I wish i would do more.. be more daring and brave.. but I hold myself back alot.. for one.. the boy I'm head over heels in love with has no idea that I feel like that.. and to be honest he's probably  one of the many boys in love with my sister.. So i had this huge 80's party hoping that it would make me feel better.. I got super trashed and it didn't help.. I still felt depressed about my increasing years... Monday was my birthday and it passed with an overwhelming cloud of depression.. I pretended to be happy.. and I can't help but wonder.. is this going to be the way the rest of my birthdays are going to be?? am I fated to be the alone girl who doesn't even get bday sex? I'd settle for a bday cuddle.. It could be worse.. I could be homeless and hungry, or stuck in a loveless marriage or I could have 10 kids.. I could be in an abusive relationship, I know there are a million things that are worse than turning 25 and still having the v card but sometimes I feel unloveable... like I'm missing that something that makes boys fall in love with girls, like maybe something is wrong with me.. I don't know... but tomorrow is another day.. and maybe I'll see the silver lining to this 25 business but for now.. I wish I could turn back the clock and be 22 again.. 22 was a good year for me.. I still had hope then... 

so there is this boy....

It's really hard for me to let guys in.. I don't trust them... In my head I'm always assuming that no matter what type of relationship we have.. that I'm going to end up getting hurt.. and i self sabotage.. my last boyfriend was a loonnggg time ago.. and i just haven't been interested.. until now.. I've been talking to this guy for about 6 weeks.. and he is surprisingly nice.. it's weird and it knocks me off balance, and if there is one word that i would use to describe myself, it would be grounded... so for someone to completely take me by surprise is not something im used to... im used to guys talking about how big my chest is... and degrading me.. and it took me awhile to accept that I HATE it.. i want to be respected... and he respects me... I feel like this boy is one and a million and I hope to god that i don't fuck it all up... I've done some shitty stuff.. but i feel like my life is really coming together.. finally...

:) and I am so happy...

Guarded

Sometimes I think, wow.. people love to share.. but then I'm comparing them to myself.. I am really guarded.. I rarely share anything with anyone. like for instance even though I'm writing this right now. I have no idea if I will actually post it..  It's something i really need to work on..

So today I'm going to talk about my inability to trust men any man really. I don't trust them, I have a lot of trust issues's and most of them involve men.. and of course you are thinking Daddy issues...  you are right.. I have a lot of demons when it comes to that.. and it is something I'll never be able to get rid of.. and even now years later I can't even talk about it to him.. sometimes i wonder if he knows how much he damaged me.. if he thinks that it's all washed away? because I think about it a lot. He gave me scars that still hurt, and because of that I don't trust men, I think I've been hiding all this time.. and I keep waiting for this one guy to save me.. and I need to realize that he's not going to show up.. I've been in love probably 3 times in my 24 years... the first guy was a smooth talker and he eventually smashed my heart into a million pieces and the 2nd guy is engaged to be married, and the last guy is married and expecting a baby

The second guy I pushed away hard core, because I knew that i wasn't ready for anything serious and I am happy that he is happy.. and i hope he has a great life, his Fiancee is beautiful and I'm genuinely happy for them both He's a great guy

and the third one.. hmm with him we were really good friends and he made me laugh and he was nice.. but there was so much weird history between us.. so it never worked out.. we are still friends and I was really guarded with him so he probably has NO idea I felt like that towards him..

Because of my inability to trust men I'm still a virgin.. yes yes I know.. but I was raised to believe that love and sex go hand in hand.. and I was to afraid to let myself get that intimate with someone.. because that to me is so difficult that is the biggest strongest wall that i have, and if i break it down.. then what? what comes after that? I'm so afraid to love because I am convinced that love isn't forever.. and it will break my heart im so afraid to get my heart broken that i don't even try..

It's so frustrating I don't want to be like this my whole life, this person that hides out instead of having fun... I'm trapped in a prison that i myself built.. and I'm not entirely sure how to get out...

Maybe this is the way, being open about how I'm feeling and talking/typing about it..  but I think that's a big enough blog post about men... lol

:) have a nice day...