Guarded

Sometimes I think, wow.. people love to share.. but then I'm comparing them to myself.. I am really guarded.. I rarely share anything with anyone. like for instance even though I'm writing this right now. I have no idea if I will actually post it..  It's something i really need to work on..

So today I'm going to talk about my inability to trust men any man really. I don't trust them, I have a lot of trust issues's and most of them involve men.. and of course you are thinking Daddy issues...  you are right.. I have a lot of demons when it comes to that.. and it is something I'll never be able to get rid of.. and even now years later I can't even talk about it to him.. sometimes i wonder if he knows how much he damaged me.. if he thinks that it's all washed away? because I think about it a lot. He gave me scars that still hurt, and because of that I don't trust men, I think I've been hiding all this time.. and I keep waiting for this one guy to save me.. and I need to realize that he's not going to show up.. I've been in love probably 3 times in my 24 years... the first guy was a smooth talker and he eventually smashed my heart into a million pieces and the 2nd guy is engaged to be married, and the last guy is married and expecting a baby

The second guy I pushed away hard core, because I knew that i wasn't ready for anything serious and I am happy that he is happy.. and i hope he has a great life, his Fiancee is beautiful and I'm genuinely happy for them both He's a great guy

and the third one.. hmm with him we were really good friends and he made me laugh and he was nice.. but there was so much weird history between us.. so it never worked out.. we are still friends and I was really guarded with him so he probably has NO idea I felt like that towards him..

Because of my inability to trust men I'm still a virgin.. yes yes I know.. but I was raised to believe that love and sex go hand in hand.. and I was to afraid to let myself get that intimate with someone.. because that to me is so difficult that is the biggest strongest wall that i have, and if i break it down.. then what? what comes after that? I'm so afraid to love because I am convinced that love isn't forever.. and it will break my heart im so afraid to get my heart broken that i don't even try..

It's so frustrating I don't want to be like this my whole life, this person that hides out instead of having fun... I'm trapped in a prison that i myself built.. and I'm not entirely sure how to get out...

Maybe this is the way, being open about how I'm feeling and talking/typing about it..  but I think that's a big enough blog post about men... lol

:) have a nice day...